Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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