Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
