I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
