just come out here and I will go home with you...
I wish I only lived at night.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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