Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
