I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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