Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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