i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
