It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
