this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
