he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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