oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
