i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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