was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
