opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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