when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
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1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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