My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
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I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
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Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
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