He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
