it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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