I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
