i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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