I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
