keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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