I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
