Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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