just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
