wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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