watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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