Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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