Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
