Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
