On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
