our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
