he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
