it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
