I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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