Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
