Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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