You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
