i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
