the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
