what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
