erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
