Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
