I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I deserve this hangover.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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