I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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