Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sorry about my life...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
