dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
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Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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