theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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