Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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