YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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