he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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