gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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