Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
