At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
