How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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