I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
